After reading and evaluating the passage “Why Students Drop Out of College” as well as cross checking the work to the U.S. Academic Style checklist, I have come to a few conclusions. First, the passages sentences could be more cohesive. Secondly, I feel that the claim is a little weak. Not providing supportive evidence or sources to the work left it less than credible. The lack of creating explicit links between ideas seem to make the paper choppy and hard to follow for me at times.
I am not even sure that the level of formality is correct. I feel as if it may be a little too lackadaisical for the audience.
When I state the sentences could be more cohesive, I am meaning that the structure is off on some of them. Some sentences seem to be very choppy or short while others have too much information. The mechanics is not correct on some of the work as if it may not have been proofread.
This makes it hard to transition from point to point. I am not saying the entire essay is like this, however, some sections are difficult to put together. The last sentence of the opening paragraph is especially full of too much info. Again, just my opinion making multiple sentences may remedy this situation.
The first paragraph in my opinion claims that students each year flock to college because they have been basically told they will not succeed in life without doing so. I do not feel that the thesis conveys what the title of the passage states.
The author gives reasons on why students attend college and then in the last sentence gives a slew of reasons why student leave college. Also, there is a paragraph about poor student motivation this topic was not introduced in the thesis. Following the claims generally helps the flow of the paper.
In the opening paragraph the author suggested that 30 percent of students do not return to college, however he or she never provided where the percentage came from. I am not sure that the author did not just interject a number to attempt to look believable. To elaborate there is never any facts that back up why the students that do not take college prep courses achieve poor college results. This is more of an opinion than a fact. The audience could argue either side that this is true or false.
The writer fails link certain ideas I feel that this also is because there is a deficiency of collaborating evidence. There are several ideas that are expressed by not a substantial number of supporting sentences with facts. For each claim there should be three supporting details. The passage lacks detail. Again, the author needs more substance to link the ideas.
Finally, the level of formality is more for peers than an academic writing for an assignment. This writing is more relaxed and not for academic genres as stated on the checklist. The author did not correct the mechanics or grammar of the passage. This left it more like the penman was addressing someone he or she knew. There were large amounts of colloquial language throughout the essay.
After reading this passage as I have summarized that the author lacked many if not most of the U.S. Academic Style rules. The checklist provided on page 17 of “Easy Writer” is a useful guide to successful academic writing. The author did not follow or adhere to this, if he or she had the essay would have been more compelling.
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